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The mind was suddenly filled with deep satisfaction. The feel was similar to a mother going for a tour the whole day with her two years old baby in diaper; while the mother does not get time to change it, the diaper grows heavier gradually and the baby begins whining and troubling the mother. At last returning home, the mother frees the baby from the burden, a heavy load getting down from his body and his mind full with great relief. Rushing out from inside as she narrated the fact, the thoughts inside me were almost similar.
Sitting alone in the front veranda, I was ruminating over the past events- those past memories were swinging to and fro in the mind like removing the diaper of the baby.
He came into our family about seven or eight years after our marriage, after performing many rituals, advice of experienced doctor, nearly on the eve when our all hopes were fading and reaching its culmination. Both of us were intensely eager to greet the new comer in an unprecented way. For her, it was like coming from the thresold of death, when she had been able to show him the sunshine of the world.
It will be like penning a new epic to narrate all feelings and activities from his birth till his childhood period. A little cold and cough--call a doctor. His words not clear. He is without food for two days...sometimes goes pinching one ear, occassionally winks eyes ...so doctor. The family physician sometimes gets irritated - ‘Hey do not be anxiety at. He will be adjust in time. Wait...’
We both got speechless looking at each other. How can we wait...only child. Gradually the baby grew older and was able to go without a diaper. At the same time our anxieties also grew more and more - ‘ Eh how can you let him go to school by bus. Rather arrange a driver...will you be able to afford--After all a newly started private school; moreover, admission fee will cost Rs 10,000/...
Let it be. We must manage, only one child, we must. How deep was our affection. It is immeasurable.
When on an official tour I had to leave home for a day or two, I spent the time in night! When I met children of his age playing and roaming in the street, I saw his face ontheir’s for which unlimited affection grew for those children.
My thaughts flew back again and again, and I tried to remember when our first mistake occured...at what stage...That was when he was not promoted in VII...was it from that point, the Principal of the school summoned us to the school? Was it from then? The same year, as he flunked in his class, we got him admitted in a private school at double cost? He was promoted in exchange of money. Though we knew it we pretended to be in the dark.
After matriculation, in my absence he made a hue and cry in the house and troubled his mother demanding a motor cycle. What was my duty then? And what did I do?
Did not I notice his change of behaviour from day to day? Earning dangling in one ear. Hair atop either ear grew shorter like an unsaved face for two or three days. A few strand of long hair across his head. Such unwanted fashion sense I endured as it was. How could I? Is there any answer within me? Did not I know he spent the whole day with some of his friends in the shop across the road? What did one of the youth of his age say? Though the time was evening yet I could recognise the son of Modon. They could not sense my presence in the nearby grocery shop. Jadav’s younger son who was with our’s perhaps said something uttering a slang. Just then seeing Modon on a cycle at a short distance, his son asked his friends to keep silent uttering two or three slang words -- ‘Hey wait, do’nt you see the old man coming here...let him cross by.’ Modon’s son addressed his own father as an old one, and Modon was five years younger than me.
I was paying a deaf ear at that time. And when he passed matriculation in 3rd division and got admitted in a college in the outskirts of the town, I did not mind much when I purchased him a motor cycle to go to college.
At the time of Bihu function when he returned from the show at 3 o’clock at night, I pretended not to know anything. In the morning the smell of foreign liquor emerging out from his bed room made my nostaills still.
I did not have time to find out how and whence he put an end to his study. Why...our only child. For how many days we three members of the family sat together in the dining table at night. I can’nt say...can’nt say anything.
In fact, I used to perform rituals like worshiping and other priestly rituals whose knowledge I earned by dint of heredity. I was a temporary priest in a temple of a suburban area in the town. Many had respect for me. Now after retirement, for last four years, I had performed such religious rituals in many houses. And still it has continued. Actually that is not my extra earning. Many people prefer me - they had been pleased with the way of my worship. I realise it.
One such event is still vivid in my mind. Once I was returning home after Kali puja in one of the houses, The son of the house owner offered me to drop home in his car. As we were coming home in the car by the main road, suddenly my son, the apple of the eyes swiftly crossed us by motorcycle. The son of household of course recognised him. On the other hand, I pretended to be ignorant about my son’s identity.
Just about three years from now, our son gave us a hint that he is engaged in a business. During one of those days, once at about 10-30 pm, his mother told me to call him for meal. Not finding him in his room, I went slowly to the slippery terrace of our house very carefully lest I might slip. Crossing the last step when I was about to put one feet on the terrace I remained stupified. He was talking loudly with someone just at distance of about 6 feet -- ‘Why he has brought her ...May be it was just a mishappen...In this century...though he loved...those idiots never understand...you try...these damsels...all disposable items...use and throw...and now he is going to marry...seh...’- a few moments, I felt as if lightening fell over my head. This is his culture. A living example of our tradition, culture and civilisation. That boy, his friend, who after eloping with a girl outside his caste was later accepted by performing marriage. The next month his parents who have returned to the main stream of society were purified by atonement and that task of one moment was conferred on me.
It was perhaps in the last year...yes, that boy came to my home in connection with some business. As my son was taking his shower, I started conversing with him. In course of our discourse, I raised question about his wife. Without any feeling he said ‘She is not with me.’ ‘Not with me?- that means he abandoned her...but why? - said that character was doubtful. Also there is a question of family lineage. These are also to be considered for posterity.
Time elapsed much - how much even I know not myself. Then I was lying idle in my bed. The delicate yet bright face of that girl occured occasionally in my mind. Only after one or one and half year of conjugal life, how could be he so sure that his family must not progress. No hope of issue. Yet our baby came to us after long eight years during later parts of our conjugal life. I used to weep somedays inserting my head on the pillow. I remember that aften cacophony from my neck emerged out...disposable item...use and throw ...they do not think for once alone that if we had thought about their mothers in such ways, they would not have seen the light of the world.
Nay Perhaps I had arrived at a decision that day - I would never repent him. Any action of him, any behaviour could not make me weep. Yes from that day I stopped weeping.
She is crying...crying with her hair shattered loosing balance of the body. Last week her son entered with Minoti Payeng a girl from the chapori on the side of the Brahmaputra. She wept unconsolably taking support of my body. She wept visualising the societal contempt, doubt, fear, insult and everything. But I could not cry. Only I kept on reflecting in a pensive mood. I had been in a dilemma pondering over the action of the girl, who without thinking about her future chose him as her life partner. I am thinking again and again-- ‘Does she know to what lowest rank of life she has been stooping and is going to transfer herself to what kind of a disposable item..
Pondering over her condition, I had been sitting in a lonely state in the front veranda. As if my body had been unable to bear the burden of the diaper that is growing heavier by degrees. Like a little child, my heart felt like crying woefully tearing me into pieces.
Just at that time she rushed from inside giving me the news. The lady came like an insane. She jerked my entire right side...What shall we do...now where to hide...O’ my lord what we had heard...Do you hear - hello ...she has been carrying inside her for four months...hence...’
I felt as if the unbearable burden of my heart at once got down. As if the unbearable burden of the diaper was removed by the mother from her baby. Drawing the chair to my side, I seated her and remained still in deep silence and peace. Then slowly looking towards her, with much trouble tried to pour unto her the conjugal bliss of long thirty five years. Like some student unable to understand some complex sums feel troubled and whom a kind teacher gives assurance not to be nervous similarly, I counseled her not to be nervous. I said- - ‘Why do you fear? do not be afraid for atonement twice, for fear of boycott by the society. Look at me. Today is the day of happiness for us. Only at this time I have realised that she did not enter our house in whims. Her society thrusted her on our son forcefully. She must have the honour of a house-wife from now on for whole life. He will not have any courage to apply use and throw policy.’ Standing for a few moments I came forward and meant on saying myself like a soliloquy. ‘O think, is it not a matter of great pleasure? Today or tomorrow his family will grow. He will also earn fatherhood and then who knows indeed he will also realise with full heart - - how the unexpected activities of a son can give pain to the heart of a father. His behaviour can break anew and grind afresh the heart of his parents to pieces. Unless he attains the state of a fatherhood, how will he realise that... Hey what do you think...?’
Unware of herself with full sentiments, perhaps she could not realise. Only remained speechless(dumbly) watching(gazing) at me.
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